Relationship

Someone told why he would not sign the paper petition going to the Parliament. I have asked myself repeatedly over the weekend why did he not do it? I found my reason for him, he is in civil services and that signing it with his address may cause inconveniences to him. I know there are lots of people out there, particularly in the civil services who feel the same. I understand the situation they are in, though really, signing the petition says nothing of your sexuality. Again, I understand but I do not respect the reason.

My ex got his mom's signature on it. I wont know the reason but I see it as a big step towards their relationship and really, it meant a lot for him. It meant alot to those who really care about this issue. That signature of your loved one, families, gay friends and straight friends changed it from a semi-political act to a human one. That signature symbolised that they know you deserved the same rights they enjoyed, simply because you are just another human being. A validation of your love towards your same sex partner.

All the thinkings over the weekend and sunday, did not prepare me for the answer from him. "I do not see it as related to me" was his answer. All these years of past gay relationships, current relationship and struggles as a gay person, he actually felt disconnected from it. I realised that I cannot stomach it. I can manage a 'I dun dare to sign', 'it won't work' or 'it is a silly move' but not a 'I dun see it related to me'.

It is like seeing him living all these years in blankness and his functioning human living in total isolation from his own emotional being. It is like watching a friend doing things for the sake of doing, without internalising the process or understanding a single bit why he is doing it. It is after the past two years, I learnt something new but heartbreaking of someone. The discussion move from how much the petition for me to why is he feeling like this. I started to feel my disappointment changed to sadness and worries. Deep worry.

In the end, it was not about signing the petition anymore. It is about hoping a close friend, someone who matters to me, can have a proper relationship with himself.