Frustration

Two days ago, I brought the BBQ pork to my sister's place. This is a CNY thing I always do for her and since she liked Lim Chee Guan store's BBQ pork so much, I queued 30 minutes for it. 30 min can sometimes like a lifetime for me.

We spent the evening together and suddenly, she saw the Christmas gift she bought for me. It was left in her living room so long that she forgot about it. Only then I realised that the last time I met up with her and my brother-in-law was last October, after I returned from my East Europe trip. She lost much weight after going through a long intensive exercise plan. And yes, it was more obvious because I have not seen her for 4 months.

Last week, my mother slipped and knocked herself in the head while doing spring cleaning. Her hands got bruised and a small lump on her head. Fortunately, it was all right but she told me that she must be lucky that she did not pass out. If not, she would be brain dead by the time I got home, if I got home at all.

On Tuesday, I am completely shut down. I knew this day is just waiting to come. I smsed my friends that I need to go away and no SMS or emails. I will talk when I need to talk...

Last weekend, I was reminded again that there are people who know me by my full name but do not recognise my face. I do not know how to react to that. I actually do not mind remaining just a faceless voice in the community. I stepped into OC wanting to do something very simple and today, I do not know how far I was from that. My role, is to consistently remind my folks that we must not stray off our mission if not we are all heading for troubles.

I lost count how many people thought I am paid for the stuff I am doing. No... (like all other OC management teammate) I am not paid a single cent. The only money we got was a small allowance enough for transport and a simple meal each time we do an assigned duty, the same amount given to all other volunteers. That was all. All the administration stuff are not unpaid for. These include the responsibilities of policy making, training, planning events, deal with media and requests from institutions, managing the volunteers and yes, criticisms from all sides. All the times, I wished we have a full time staff to manage all this, unfortunately, the funding right now is only good enough to employ one part timer and that meant he has to do everything that is now done by 30 over people.

Yes, I am ventilating cos I am so frustrated. Most of the time, my hands are tied simply I do not have a social worker or counsellor training. If it is not for Yang, I will throw in the towel. And yes, I think if it is not for me, Yang will also throw in his. His hands are tied in his own ways. We are merely taking turns to be burnt out and take breaks. Only then, we can convince the others that the team can go on.

Sometimes things are not happening the way we hoped, sometimes things are not happening at all... and we have to tear our hairs out to resolve it. I wished I can just walked away. Sometimes we even have to baby sit some of our own people. Yet at the same time, we stayed on because of the volunteers who came forward to help. They made so much difference, if you think of those armchair activists (or should I say keyboard activists). Just recently, the signellers went through another pointless round of debating Alex Au's role. Haven't we go through that nonsense before? Can you guys get out of the bloody computer and do something?

Sometimes, I wondered if this is worth it. People come to me and asked why do we do this or that, what are we doing it for or how come there is no talk. Few offered to help. The only consolation is that from time to time, people come up to us and say thank you. Even this 'thank you' cannot lift you up when you feel you are hitting rock bottom. Now, I am probably feeling what Clarence and Kian Seng felt like two years back, I am at my lowest point.

I am struggling with some decisions and am completely lost. I need money for my Masters and wanted so much to take up another PT job. But at the same time, I do not know how much energy and time I can spare. I searched through the Internet for the right jobs and contemplating to send out the application. Yes, I am even thinking of throwing in the towel and use my free time earn that money I need. I saw Yang in the office today, I wanted to tell him so much that I calling it quits. Yet, we started to discuss about workplan again and went through the Internet for some info. Again, I decided that it is not the time to end it yet and walk out.

I am exhausted and upset that anything can trigger my suppressed anger. So yes, I cannot talk to anyone now. I do not even want to smile at anyone.