One of first thing I talked to T about two years ago was about death, rather who will be at his funeral and what song will be played. I still remember the msn session.
Today, I was thinking if I will sacrifice myself for the country and the answer is yes. Oh well, the country is never really in immediate danger so I guessed the decision is easy. Some will argue the idea of nationhood or even whether worth it since my country is consistently questioning my full citizenry right. I went through that argument with dozens of people. Let's face it, because we are really living a peaceful country, we hardly think about it or we brush the idea of nation identity quickly. It is only when one is uprooted from where he is borned and lived by forces, then he will realise the purpose of nationhood.
Like the exhibition about the Lebanese and Beirut in the museum, people living in troubled times tend to find sanity through anything they can hold onto and citizenship is one of them. Most people do not leave the country. People take photographs, paint, make films, write, draw or simply sit around to claim their right to stay in their homeland. I used to wonder why people watch television programme such as cartoons and dramas during wartimes but realised that television or any media, can be a sanctuary. It is a way to maintain the order of lives.
Back to the topic of death, I dun really care what happened to me after my death. It is a body without a soul and I really got to leave it to whoever is managing. What I am mostly concerned with is, the people I left behind. I supposed that there will be people who will turn up at my funeral. Number is not that important as long as those who show up are doing it willingly. I will definitely want to spare my mom and family the agony of sending me off, which is one of the reason why I make sure I live a meaningful and careful life. A part of me also want to know how I am being remembered. Ok, that sounds a tad shallow but I do feel that satisfaction when I know I make a small difference in someone's life, even if he/she is a stranger.
Perhaps it is this reminder that I have done what I can most of the time so far, I do not really fear death. And partly because of that, my guard is usually very low. I was telling Ben today that fear is actually a human instinct and essential tool to keep one on guard and stay alive. Human will react swiftly to any dangerous situation because of the fear instinct. It is basic survival. Over the past few years, I began to realise I am losing that. There are times, I dun react to certain situations the way people usually do. And I am finding the answer for that.
2 comments:
how did u lose that?
good question. I only realised that it is gone. It is like, most people will react to the sound of a car horning, a plate smashing onto a floor and even a big bang that you are not sure if it is gun fire or something else, I can stay calm and ignore it completely. Like as if I cannot hear it. It was not a deliberate act to not to respond, it is just natural for me to do so. And losing that part of fear is weird, I wonder if I will react when there is real danger.
Post a Comment